Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Malcolm X Blvd Survival Guide

If you haven't figured it out by now...we kinda...maybe...sorta...live in the hood...Bed Stuy to be exact. And I must say it has been an interesting experience to say the least. I like my street...I like my brownstone...but I HATE walking down Malcolm X Blvd! (Side note: Has anyone ever figured out why every street named Martin Luther King Blvd or Malcolm X Blvd is super hood?!? No matter what city in America you're in!! I guess we forgot that fact when apt searching). I digress. Let me explain why I hate walking down Malcolm X:

  • Too many dudes try to talk to you

  • You endure various catcalls

  • None of the guys are worth your attention

    I guess it would be completely different if an attractive, stable man with a respectable job attempted to get your attention in a respectable manner...but that hasn't happen to me yet. Lol. Just to give you a little more insight into our world...here are a few typical interactions:

  • "Ay...lemme holla at you fo a minute" *Yes I used "fo" instead of for*

  • "Scuse me...scuse me...you gotta man? *Yes I used "scuse" instead of excuse*

  • "Oh you ain't got time to talk to me?!? Well f*** you too den...you ain't even dat cute!

  • "Ay...I like yo hair!" *I guess this isn't bad...but when they give you "the look" and do a little mouth motion...the compliment is completely lost. Lol.

    My favorite is when the guys in cars ask you to come to the car to talk to them. No sir...what do I look like walking up to a man in a car?!? I'm in school for jewelry design...not prostitution! The "nicer" guys will speed up, park their cars, and start walking beside you pleading their case. My most hated involves anytime they try to touch me to get my attention...I don't care if its my arm or the shoulder of my jacket...DO NOT TOUCH ME!!

    Keep in mind, I don't mind walking in the winter because hardly anyone is outside trying to bother me!! LOL. So let me give you my Spring/Summer rules for survival. (Note: these rules can be applied in Brooklyn, Harlem, and I guess Queens. I never go to Queens but try it *shrugs* OH...and for my Cleveland folk try it on St. Clair, Kinsman, and Buckeye...for my Dallas folk...try it in Oak Cliff! LOL)

  • You absolutely MUST have your earphones with you at all times! This makes you unapproachable. And believe me...you want to be unapproachable over here! Sometimes I have earphones in even when I'm not listening to anything. Then when you ignore them and they approach you anyway, you can say 'huh?!? huh?!? I can't hear you!" lol. *But this is most effective when your music is loud enough for them to hear*

  • My new favorite line is "nu uuuuuh! nu uh! I'm talking to my MOTHER!" 90% of the time they'll leave me alone if I say this! *Hey Ma!*

  • Huge "you can't see me" Sunglasses are great because you can act like you can't see them...and paired with the earphones you can't "hear" them. I LOVE to act like I'm invisible in the hood.

  • If they break through the barriers, you can listen for a bit and say "It was nice meeting you...I'll see you around". Surprisingly, this is usually received pretty well! Then if you see them again...give a little smile...not TOO inviting though!

  • You can say "I'm in a rush"...this tactic is hit or miss.

  • The "I have a boyfriend" line hasn't worked for me lately. The usual response is "You can't have friends?!? You ain't married!"

  • This brings me to a suggestion I haven't tried yet...wear a fake engagement ring. I seriously contemplated this...its a really bold tactic. And I've seriously tried on a few at my local cheap jewelry stores just in case I decide to go for it! But knowing these fools...that won't work. Lol.

  • I've also thought about this one but haven't tried...purposely make your face look ugly (momentarily of course). You could...make yourself look slow? You could mess up your makeup so you look super crazy? You can start to walk with a limp? You can start talking to yourself really loudly? Hmmm...Idk. This could probably be hit or miss. As you may have read from me or Jamee...even when you think you look absolutely horrid...someone will try to talk to you. Smh.

  • Also, any of these tactics can be used in conjunction with my favorite: Hoping on the B46 at Utica (or your local bus). This is probably pointless if you have to go less than 5 blocks. I have to go 8 blocks...so its def worth it for me! And today officially started my consistent bus riding season!

    These are my go-to options for avoiding street harassment...they work completely sometimes and only partially sometimes. Lol. Smh. But most of all...its uber important to be nice to these guys...you def don't wanna get snatched up!! Remember...some of them don't mind going back in...LOL.

    I couldn't end this post without talking about a few of the decent things in my immediate hood:

  • You can get fried chicken at any time of night! And its cheap! (Hello high blood pressure, diabetes, and whatever other disease that afflicts minorities most)

  • Our brownstone is nice! Right now Im sitting on the stoop...and I think this will be my new thing for the summer.

  • Ice cream trucks...I love how the hood always has ice cream trucks in the summer. Actually as I was writing this post sitting on my stoop, my next door neighborhood (who I have never met) asked me if I wanted something from the truck. Isn't that sweet?!?

  • There's a corner store on every corner...and a lot of them are open 24 hrs (via the tiny window). If you ever come home after the club and need a snack...you can just stop on your way home! There's a new corner store by the train station that has one of my fav juices!! (Simply Lemonade-Raspberry Lemonade)

  • Magic Soul Food: There's a cool little soul food spot down Malcolm X...like seriously good! I love to get the macaroni and cheese and the collard greens! Yum yum!

  • I'm sure I'll love even more as we get more into summer...from what I hear...Brooklyn is pretty aight in the summer. We shall see.

    Staying thug-less in Bed Stuy,

  • 1 comment:

    1. I can so see you doing the nu uuuuuh! nu uh! I'm talking to my MOTHER! Stank face and all hahaha This was hilarious but every bit of the truth, I'll try some of the new techniques and report back w/ my findings!